The
newborn you will bring home may seem angelic, but beware: He has the power to
turn you and your husband into resentment-filled, sleep-deprived, sexless
zombies. Several studies and authors have read on this very sensitive subject
to help new parents or parents generally, to understand and avoid the
relationship pitfalls that a new baby can bring.
The
Expectations
How
can you be prepared for what you don’t understand, here is this wonderful baby
that you carried for nine full months and you are pumping with all your
mothering hormones and the father on the other hand is feeling like a peacock
but things can fall apart.
“Note
that you’re definitely going to have relationship issues in the first three
months of your newborn life. “There’s no way around it. Couples think they need
couples therapy or family intervention, but no, you have a newborn and you’re
trying to redefine your relationship and figure out how the household is going
to work and how you’re going to take care of baby.” Studies have shown that
this relationship tangles that ensnare so many new parents, can be avoided by mutual
understanding and clear communication.
Division
of Labor (Mom & Dad)
Men
and women are programmed to respond differently to becoming parents. As soon as
a woman discovers that she’s pregnant, her “mommy hormones” clicks in and her
all-consuming priority becomes protecting and nurturing her baby. On the other
hand being a dad kicks in the provision instinct and bonding will have to wait
to happen a little later. This pressure to financially support a child gives
many dads a jolt of “provider panic.” As parents it is important to realize that
how your spouse reaction to parenthood is normal.”
These
instinctive responses are true even where both parents are bring in daily
income but the pressure can be relaxed when both parents work, because each
spouse expects to have nighttime responsibilities since they are both at a job
during the day. However this is easily achieved when there is an easy flow of
communication.
For
moms (especially stay-at-home moms) who feel like their husbands don’t
understand how much work it is to be home with baby, it will be resourceful
crash program if they give their husbands “training during the weekend of
caring exclusively for the baby” Mom goes away for the weekend while dad takes
care of baby, this training weekend provides so many opportunities.
· You get a break and you get to recharge.
· Your husband may finally get it. If
he is willing to learn, don’t let him get a babysitter or have Grandma over.
When you return, he’ll appreciate you and help you more.”
Moms
should please realize that you are not the store house of all things moms” If
you think you’re the only one who knows how to properly take care of the baby
and block dad from helping, then you’re depriving yourself and your spouse of
the responsibilities, benefits and joys that come with equitable co-parenting.
Housekeeping
It
is expected therefore” Couples have to be prepared for the endless tit for tat
over who has it tougher or who’s working harder than the other”. Avoid relating
like cat and mouse, or else resign yourselves to a never-ending and exhausting
battle over who did the last bath, changed the last diaper, got to go to the
gym last and whose turn it is to fold the laundry.
The
following tips might be helpful as suggested by one author
1) Make an “everything list” that includes all
the labor that goes into running a household and taking care of baby. Divide
the list in half to equally share the burden and ensure that one spouse doesn’t
think that they’re shouldering more of the weight than the other.
2) Come up with a plan so that each of you is
getting some free time. It’s essential for new parents to have a little “me”
time to cope with the day-to-day labors and frustrations of parenthood.
Sleep
Deprivation
As
any new parent will attest, the biggest adjustment to having a baby is the lack
of sleep. Chronic sleep deprivation can result in cognitive and memory
impairment and even psychosis. For new parents, it definitely leads to
crankiness and quarrels.
“Couples
end up playing ‘midnight chicken.’ No one knows whose turn it is to get up with
the baby”. It is however very essential for couples to work out a possible plan
of sleep deprivation:
“Agree to split nighttime duties to avoid
turning into walking zombies.” It doesn’t make sense for both parents to be up at
the same time. Try shifts if you’re breastfeeding, pump to get a few feedings ahead
then one parent can wake up with baby between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m., and the other
can take the 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. shift.
Sexual
Disconnect
A
major flash point for new-parent stress is the change in their sex lives. “Women
are so laser-focused on baby that sex isn’t on their radar’’. We’re hardwired
to make sure this baby survives, and our body is telling us not to get pregnant
right away. But men can feel rejected even crushed by the lack of sex. Luckily,
a mom’s sex drive usually returns within three to six months.
I
have heard it been said that a man that helps with house work is most likely to
get lucky with a mom wife. “We tell men, redefine foreplay. It’s no longer just
taking us to dinner or coming home with flowers. It’s getting in the assembly
line, helping out at home. Give us an hour to ourselves to let us get out of
mommy mode so we can get interested in sex
It’s
also important for the men to understand that all this is just a phase.
Miss Blessing
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