WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER FORGIVE A CHEATING HUSBAND: HELEN DID. HERE SHE EXPLAINS WHY IT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HER LIFE

The realisation almost took my breath away. Turning to kiss my husband Brian goodbye, I was floored by the sudden dawning that, after 28 years of electric emotional highs and soul-destroying lows, I felt nothing for him. 

As I pulled the door closed behind me and got into my car to spend a weekend visiting my aunt, I had no idea that I was leaving my marriage, or that I would never again return to our family home in Alton, Hampshire. 

But I did know that something had changed irrevocably — that things would never be the same again.

Three years have passed and I haven’t so much as spoken to Brian. All my belongings — my clothes, my jewellery, family photos and treasured mementos — are still with him. 

Yet I have no desire to collect them. I’ve shed that life like a snake sheds its skin.

If you think me unbearably heartless, you wouldn’t be alone. Some people have judged me for giving up on my marriage, for walking out on my husband that summer day in 2010. 

All I know is that it’s the best thing I have ever done, and that my life has been transformed as a result.

So what was the death knell for a relationship of almost three decades? 

We’d certainly had our troubles; most prominently, Brian’s affair that began six years ago in 2007.

But you might be surprised to know that today I don’t blame his betrayal for breaking us. No, at fault was my foolish decision to forgive him, with little heed to the emotional cost that I would face.

Brian actually left me to live with his mistress for months, and I had to fight to get him to return. When at last I succeeded, I couldn’t have been more relieved and delighted. How naive I was. 

Painful: Helen forgave her husband for his affair, which she noticed when one Christmas he did not get in touch for two days

So sure was I that our marriage had not only been saved but strengthened that I did an interview for this paper, insistent that my husband’s affair had been the wake-up call we needed to breathe new life into our relationship.

I partly blamed myself. I’d grown complacent, I told myself, and my husband had been squeezed out. I’d been more focused on my busy job as a probation officer and my role as a mother. I have two grown-up children, Sammy, 37, and Fredd, 31.

I admit I had neglected Brian. We spent too little time together as a couple and, perhaps inevitably, our sex life had suffered.

But for 24 years of our marriage the chemistry between us had been heart-flippingly electric — right up until the moment I discovered he was cheating on me. 

We met in 1982, when I was 23 and working in a bar. My first husband had left me when the children were young, and I’d taken the job so I could work when they were in bed in the care of a babysitter.

Brian came in for a drink one night and we started chatting. He was 22, funny, with a lovely sense of mischief, and we quickly became firm friends. 

Eventually, our friendship sparked into romance, and within a few months we were inseparable. We moved in together in Headley, Hampshire, and got married three years later. 

We were happy. Our love was based on a rock-solid friendship, our physical relationship was passionate and we both had good jobs. Brian was a building contractor and I became a social worker.

Brian was always spontaneous and often romantic — there was never a dull moment. He’d come home from work and say ‘Let’s pack a bag and go away’, or ‘Let’s buy a campervan and go travelling’.

Painful memories: Looking back, Helen says that she allowed herself to be 'a doormat'

To begin with it was exciting, but in time it became exhausting. I wanted to concentrate on our domestic routine and my burgeoning career. 

But, despite my doubts, my adoration for Brian was so overwhelmingly that I followed his lead. Looking back, I can see I allowed myself to become a bit of a door-mat.

Ruptures emerged in the previously smooth surface of our marriage. We got to the stage where Brian would go out for a drink one evening and return the next morning without any explanation as to where he’d been.

In the winter of 2007, my daughter, Sammy, then 32, was confined to bed with rheumatoid arthritis and I spent a great deal of my time nursing her. I should have noticed our marriage was in dangerous waters, but somehow Brian always managed to charm his way back into my good books.

On December 24, as I was leaving home to go to Sammy’s house, Brian gave me some flowers for her. We were spending Christmas Day there, and I was rather distracted by the impending festivities. 

At lunchtime, Brian rang to see how Sammy was. I reminded him that we were going to Midnight Mass, but he said he couldn’t make it because he had other things to do.

I was desperately disappointed, but I tried to brush it off. He was just in one of his moods, I thought to myself. Surely he’d be there for Christmas. 

In the event, we didn’t see him for two days. His mobile was switched off and I was frantic with worry, afraid he’d had an accident. 

He eventually surfaced on Boxing Day, calling me late that evening. Rather than being apologetic, he was unforthcoming about where he’d been and refused to answer my questions. 

I was angry, but I was so besotted with him that I didn’t make a scene. Instead, I swallowed my rage. 

Of course, by now I was wondering if he was having an affair, but still I didn’t confront him. Even if he had been cheating, he’d have just denied it and got cross. What was the point, I thought. 

But his absence stretched into weeks, then months, and I was at the end of my tether. I texted him to ask if he wanted a divorce. He texted back just one word: ‘No.’

I was humiliated and told only a few close friends what had happened. When the children asked, I said we weren’t getting on — and just hoped they wouldn’t probe too hard.

There was still only the occasional word from Brian, but I was desperate to sustain my hope, however small, that we could somehow work it out. I missed him terribly and felt so confused. He wouldn’t admit to having another woman, and I had absolutely no proof that he was having an affair.

His sporadic messages slowly became more common, and after 18 months he was sending me regular texts — asking if we could talk and even saying that he missed me.

After so long being on tenterhooks, it was an enormous relief. We were so close, I felt, to getting our marriage back. When he asked if I wanted to meet up, I didn’t hesitate.

We met in a Hampshire pub. I felt  nauseous with nerves but the old chemistry was still there. He’d hurt me badly but, God, I wanted him back.

Over the next few weeks, we met for lunch a few times. Eventually, he admitted he’d been living with another woman. 

Even then, my feelings of disgust at his behaviour were outweighed by my love for him. 

Conflicted: Despite the fact that Brian had hurt Helen badly she still wanted him back

She was a divorcee ten years his senior, someone he had known many years before. They ran into each other by chance, apparently, and by the Christmas, when he disappeared, they’d been seeing each other for several months. 

Brian loved the attention she gave him — attention I had been too busy to offer him, he reminded me. 

He said that he was desperate to break it off, but felt obliged to stay with her and look after her because she’d fallen and hurt herself. 

You might be amazed, but I was still hopelessly in love with him. I didn’t want to scare him off by forcing him to choose between the two of us. I decided I’d let him work things out for himself.

So I found myself in the bizarre situation of seeing my own husband discreetly while he was still living with his mistress. Three months later, I gently asked Brian if he wanted to come home — and was overjoyed when he said he did. 

Friends and family were stunned that I was willing to try to save my marriage. My son couldn’t forgive him, though my daughter tried to.

I realised we had to make big changes if our marriage was to stand any chance, so I made more time for us as a couple. In response, Brian seemed more appreciative of me — at least to begin with.

He made me lovely meals and was attentive and loving. Maybe it was a guilty conscience, but he seemed much more respectful of me.

While I was truly prepared to try to forgive his betrayal, the reality was that I couldn’t forget what he’d done. It plagued me. The thought of his affair just wouldn’t go away. 

I had spent so long insisting to myself that I wanted to forgive him, so long trying to win him back, that I hadn’t allowed myself to properly accept his betrayal — or think about what life would be like when we were back together. 

Growing apart: Often after an affair, as Helen experienced, it is hard to truly accept what has happened and move on

It was only after I had ‘won’ Brian back, after months of tip-toeing around, that I finally realised I’d never be able to get past his infidelity. Looking back, I’d been deceiving myself on a grand scale that things could be normal again. 

It soon became clear that his betrayal had changed me irrevocably. Where once I’d enjoyed the rollercoaster nature of life with Brian, I’d come to crave a quiet life. 

The chemistry between us was as electric as ever, but I just didn’t have the energy to deal with the intense emotions he provoked in me.

Then came that weekend in 2010 when I was to visit my aunt in Devon. By that time, Brian had been back for just under a year. As I got ready, we’d had a squabble, then he snapped at me for picking up his car keys instead of my own.

Suddenly I looked at him and realised in a blinding flash that I no longer had feelings for him. I didn’t love him, I didn’t dislike him, I didn’t hate him: I just felt nothing.

I think, subconsciously, my feelings for him had long changed — and suddenly, in that one moment, it all came to the surface. For the first time in nearly 30 years, there was nothing there. It was as if a switch had been flipped.

When I left our house, all I had with me was an overnight bag with three pairs of knickers, a bra, two changes of clothes, some make-up and toiletries, and my pyjamas.

I brooded for that weekend at my aunt’s house, then drove to a friend’s house — where I stayed for the next six months.

I didn’t phone or text Brian to tell him I was leaving him: I just assumed he’d work it out for himself. I didn’t think he deserved to be told. It wasn’t revenge. I just didn’t want ever to see him again.

As it was, he didn’t try to contact me. I think he was arrogant enough to believe that I’d come back. Maybe he thought it was a tantrum and I’d come home eventually.

A year and a half later, he got in touch by text message, asking if I was all right and saying that he missed me. I didn’t respond. 

Anxiety: Helen finally realised that she could never get past the affair

You might think it’s extraordinary that a marriage born in such great passion ended in such a cold, bloodless manner. But after such a long battle of attrition, I simply didn’t have the stomach for anything else. The effort it took to forgive him left me emotionally spent. 

According to mutual friends, Brian is still interested in a reconciliation, but I have started my life afresh.

I stayed with friends for about eight months, and by then I was sure in my heart that my marriage was over. About two and a half years ago, I moved into a rented flat about 40 miles from where I lived with Brian, and furnished it with second-hand stuff.

Some of my most treasured possessions — including my first edition volumes of Ted Hughes’s poetry and the engraved clock Sammy gave me when she got married — are still with Brian, but I have no interest in reclaiming them.

We haven’t got divorced. I’ve had a few dates in the past three years, but nothing serious. After the tumult of my marriage, I’m just glad to be in control of my own life. 

I don’t regret expending so much emotion forgiving Brian, and winning him back. If our relationship hadn’t come to that horrible crescendo, there’s every chance I could still be hankering after him. 

The battle to win Brian back ended our marriage — but in the end it was the best thing that could have happened

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA TO BAN PURE WATER IN 2014

Determined to check the continued despoliation of the environment, the Federal Government yesterday said plans are underway to ban the use of plastic bags in the country.Minister of Environment, Mrs. Hadza Mailafia, who dropped the hint during the 2013 World Environment Day celebration in Abuja, said government would favour the use of paper bags in their place.Mailafia, who said the ban would take effect from January 2014, also said the Federal Government was also considering banning the use of sachet water.


According to her, the move to ban the plastic bags are necessitated by the numerous health and environmental hazards associated with their use.

The minister noted that unlike the paper bags that could easily decompose, plastic bags are non-biogradable materials which could stay in the soil for years, contaminating water sources when washed into the rivers by the rain.

Relying on the Food and Agriculture Organisation, FAO’s, statistics, the environment minister said one-third of global food production is wasted from farm to stock which is equivalent to 1.3 billion tonnes of food annually; while an estimated 870 million people go hungry worldwide. She said more than 20,000 children under the age of five also die daily from hunger.

REFORMING OUR DYSFUNCTIONAL PUBLIC SERVICE -NASIR EL-RUFAI

Public Service in Context It is both a truism that no nation develops beyond the capacity of its public service, and there is broad consensus amongst Nigerians that our public service is broken and dysfunctional.

The quality of public servants and the services they provide to our nation are both below expectations. From the glorious days at independence when the best and brightest graduates competed to join the administrative service up until 1970s, our public service is now seen as employer of the dull, the lazy and the venal. We need to retrieve our old public service – effective, well paid and largely meritocratic, attracting bright people imbibed with a spirit of promoting public good.

The Nigerian civil service evolved from the colonial service with its historical British roots of an independent, non-political and meritocratic administrative machinery for governing the country. Each region then had its civil service in addition to the federal service.

What is the public service? How did our public evolve from inception to excellence and now its current abysmal state of ineffectiveness? How can the public service be reformed, re-skilled and right-sized to provide the basic social services that will earn the trust of Nigerians and foreigners alike?

The Public Service – An Overview

The public service consists of the civil service – career staff whose appointment, promotion and discipline are under the exclusive control of the Federal Civil Service Commission (FCSC), national assembly service, the Judiciary, public officers in the military, police and paramilitary services, employees of parastatals, educational and health institutions. By September 2005, when the Public Service Reform Team (PSRT) was constituted, the number of federal public servants was slightly above one million.

The estimated number working for the 36 states and the FCT was another 2 million, broken down as follows:•

Federal Core Civil Servants, including some 2,000 directors 180,000•

Uniformed Services – Military, Police and Paramilitary Services 457,000•

Parastatals, Agencies, Educational and Health Institutions 470,000•

Total Federal Public Service 1,107,000• Public Officers at the State Level – 36 States (Estimate) 856,000•

Public Officers in the Federal Capital Territory Administration 19,000•

Public Officers at the 774 Local Governments and 6 FCT Area Councils 620,000•

Total Sub-National Public Service 1,495,000•

TOTAL: Public Sector Employees in Nigeria 2,602,000Adjusting for the increasing numbers of aides of the president, ministers, governors and legislators, it is not unreasonable to put the total number of those working directly for governments at about three million. So while our national population has increased by about 160% between 1960 and 1999, the size of our public service increased by 350% in the same period. Our public service is clearly over-bloated.Other initial diagnostics and findings of the PSRT were sobering to say the least.

The civil service was rapidly ageing, mostly untrained and largely under-educated. Their average age then was 42 years, and over 60% were over 40 years. Less than 12% of the public servants held university degrees or equivalent. Over 70% of the service were of the junior grades 01-06, of sub-clerical and equivalent skills. About 20% of the public service employees were ‘ghost workers’ – non-existent people on the payroll which goes to staff of personnel and accounts departments.

In the FCT, out of an initial headcount of 26,000, we found 3,000 ghosts in the first round of audit. By the time we introduced biometric ID and centralized, computerized payroll, we found nearly 2,500 who failed to show up for documentation!While the public service pay is low relative to the cost of living, the overall burden of payroll as a percentage of the budget is huge. In most states other than Lagos, Kano, Kaduna and Rivers States, an average of 50% of the budget goes towards the payment of salaries – to about 1% of their population – an unfair and unsustainable state of affairs! Out of the N2,425 billion included in the 2011 Budget for recurrent expenditure, between 73% and 84% for each MDA constitutes personnel cost. We found in 2005 that the breakdown of federal public service emoluments by class of service as follows:•

Core Civil Service – 18%• Military, Police and Paramilitary – 35%• Parastatals, Education and Health – 47%The PSRT inherited a federal public service whose central management organs – the FCSC and the office of the Head of Civil Service of the Federation had become inept and ineffective, and morally flexible at best. We learnt that appointments, promotion examinations, promotions, postings and discipline were bought and sold by civil servants the same way shares are traded on the stock market. Surprisingly and with some relief, we did not see these malfunctions in the armed services.

The HR system of the Army, Navy and the Air Force were intact, and to some extent even the Police and other paramilitary services had better human resource management systems.In a State of Denial?The bulk of the public servants continue to be in denial and have refused to take responsibility for the sorry state of affairs, blaming their political masters for the dysfunction in the public service.

They blame the collapse of merit and excellence in the public service on the Murtala-Obasanjo retirements “with immediate effect” that occurred in the mid-1970s. Others attribute the current situation to the Civil Service Reform Decree No. 43 of 1988 of the Babangida administration. The deterioration of pay and fringe benefits relative to the cost of living as a result of the Structural Adjustment Program in the late 1980s has also been identified as contributory to the de-motivation, deskilling and dispiriting of the public service.

The truth may be a combination of all three and more, compounded by the inability of the public service to update its attitudes, working methods, skills and technology. The public service has been short-term in its vision, self-centered in policy formulation and corrupt in programme implementation.

Instead, it has focused on taking care of itself and interests to the detriment of the nation and system which sustains it. The public service failed to reform itself between 2001 and 2005 when two successive Heads of Civil Service were tasked to do so. It was therefore inevitable that driving the public service reforms of 2005-2007 had to be transferred to the economic team, with President Obasanjo leading the charge himself.

An outsider was needed to administer the required medicine, but still needed the cooperation of the patient, which was not forthcoming.Public Service Reforms in PerspectiveIt is therefore uncontestable that the public service became dysfunctional following years of neglect and failure to reform. The public service was both large and unwieldy, accountability was weak and professional standards low.

The federal bureaucracy has also sprawled with considerable overlap of functions between agencies, and between tiers and arms of government. There was an urgent need for both civil service and parastatals reforms, and in spite of all efforts, little progress has been made in that regard.The need to improve the overall efficiency and effectiveness of the public service have been recognized from pre-independence days by instituting several administrative reforms.

The first of these was the Tudor Davis Commission of 1945-46. The Morgan Commission of 1963 not only revised salaries and wages of junior staff of the federal government but introduced for the first time a minimum wage for each region of the country. The more recent ones include the commissions headed by Simeon Adebo (1971), Jerome Udoji (1972), Dotun Philips (1986) and the Allison Ayida Panel (1995). The Dotun Philips reforms properly and correctly aligned the civil service structure with the constitution and presidential system of government , designating permanent secretaries as directors-general and deputy ministers.

Unfortunately, the reforms devolved human resource functions with respect to junior cadres to ministries with disastrous consequences which needed dealing with.The Bureau of Public Service Reforms (BPSR) was established in September 2003 as an independent agency in the Presidency to ensure the reform of all Ministries, Departments and Agencies (MDAs) of all arms and branches of the federal government, and submit quarterly reports to the President.

The Public Service Reform Team (PSRT) had the BPSR as its secretariat and met weekly every Tuesday to deliver on its mandate. Some of the achievements of that round of reforms include:1. Restructuring of Pilot Ministries, Departments and Agencies (MDAs): The PSRT produced two generic guidelines approved by the Federal Executive Council (FEC) in March 2006 for the reform and restructuring of MDAs and Parastatals.

Initially 5 pilot MDAs volunteered for restructuring and this was expanded to 14. This entailed cleaning up the staff headcount and payroll, and redesigning the MDA structure to have between 4 and 8 departments and 2-4 divisions per department. These were approved by the FEC on May 16th, 2007 and applicable to all MDAs immediately.2. Cleaning up of Civil Service and Parastatals Nominal Rolls:

The Oronsaye committee of the PSRT developed eight criteria for the retirement of public servants to enable the clean-up of the headcount and reducing the negative impact of the devolution of HR functions to MDAs in 1988, and the failures of the FCSC and OHCSF to discharge their functions. An appeals process was put in place to minimize victimization and errors.

For the civil service, about 45,000 names were prepared by MDAs and forwarded to BPSR for consideration and approval by PSRT, and then forwarded to the FCSC for removal. An initial batch of 36,843 officers were put through pre-retirement training, disengaged and paid about N24 billion as their severance entitlements.

Unfortunately, about 20,000 of these severed civil servants have found their ways back into the civil service, thereby defeating the clean-up exercise.For the 400 or so parastatals and paramilitary services, the estimated number of staff to be severed was 75,575 at a cost about N57 billion. Parastatals reform and right-sizing was to be undertaken jointly by BPSR and the Bureau of Public Enterprises (BPE).

Sadly, this was never fully realized.3. Monetization of Fringe Benefits: All benefits-in-kind like free housing, furnishing, car and driver for various cadres of public servants and political office holders were abolished for ministers, permanent secretaries and equivalent cadres and below. All government-owned houses except 13 classes of official residences were sold to occupants or via public bids. All official vehicles were discounted by 50% and sold to officials.

Other pool and utility vehicles were auctioned in public bids. Personal drivers, cooks and cleaners were laid off and made staff of the affected officials.4. Pay Reform and Medium-Term Pay Policy: The Ernest Shonekan Pay Review Report was referred to PSRT for consideration and implementation. Shonekan found that public service pay was on average 25% of private sector for the same or similar jobs. A pay increase of 15% was therefore recommended and effected in January 2007, with a plan to increase pay by 10% per annum but linked to productivity such that in 5 years, near pay parity with the private sector will be achieved.5. Integrated Payroll and Personnel Information System (IPPIS):

This is a computerized, biometric platform intended to provide a reliable and comprehensive database of employees in the public service to facilitate manpower planning, and eliminate headcount and payroll fraud. IPPIS approved by the FEC in February 2006 and implemented in phases. The first phase covering 6 MDAs and the central management organizations of the public service went live in April 2007, saving N416 million from the payroll of the 12 agencies in its first month! Sadly, the vested interests in the public service have frustrated its mainstreaming and application to cover all MDAs and other public service organizations since then.6. Review and Update of Public Service Rules and Financial Regulations:

The BPSR undertook a holistic review of the Public Service Rules and Financial Regulations and produced a White Paper which was amended and approved by the FEC on 9th May 2007.Another review committee led by Adamu Fika lamented the low morale and widespread malaise in the service and observed that the integrity deficits in the FCSC and the Office of the Head of Civil Service of the Federation are responsible for inefficiencies and corruption that have become pervasive in the service.Next Steps in Reforming the Public Service

This administration has a unique opportunity to correct these by appointing not only a reformist head of civil service, but the nomination of the chair and members of FCSC within the next few weeks with the mandate to clean up the service, and build on the reforms of 2005 to 2009.The next steps are clear. Learn from recent past, build on foundations laid by PSRT and correct any errors we made.

The quality of the public service must be improved by attracting the best and brightest. This requires reducing the current pay disparity between the public and private sectors of the economy. To rejuvenate the service, new blood must be injected at all levels from the academia, private sector and Nigerian Diaspora based on merit.

These will be impossible unless the ageing and un-trainable public servants take early retirement.Who can perform in today’s work environment without the knowledge of IT, of using Google, Twitter and BlackBerry messaging tools? Any public servant that cannot use the computer and its various tools ought to give way to our army of young people that can. The number of MDAs duplicating functions, and their manning levels must be reviewed downwards to enable our nation afford the higher pay that our public servants deserve. We cannot maintain the same numbers we have and pay them any higher.

All these require careful thought, thorough collection and analysis of data, and political will. Our public service is once again at a cross-roads. It is up to the President to make the choices necessary to make it better, or much worse.

Nasir Ahmad El-Rufai, OFR was Senior Policy Adviser to General Abdulsalami Abubakar (1998-99), Director-General of the Bureau of Public Enterprises (1999-2003), Minister of the Federal Capital Territory, Member of the Economic Team, (2003-2007) and Chairman of the Public Service Reform Team (2005-2007

I WANT MY CHILD TO DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT WITH LIFE PART 1........TIPS

Children are born entitled. They are surrounded by adults who cater to their every need.

That’s fine when those things really are necessities: food, clothing, diapers and a place to get some sleep. Children grow up, though, and as they age, many come to define “needs” as an iPhone or a pair of expensive shoes. So how can parents teach their 21^st century kids to be more grateful and truly appreciate things?

    AFFIRMATION:  Sometimes one simple word of affirmation can change an entire life. So make sure your children know how much you appreciate them. And then, remind them every chance you get.

    ART. With the advent of the Internet, everyone who wants to create… can. The world just needs more people who want to…

    CHALLENGE:  Encourage your child to dream big dreams. In turn, they will accomplish more than they thought possible… and probably even more than you thought possible.

    COMPASSION/JUSTICE: Life isn’t fair. It never will be – there are just too many variables. But when a wrong has been committed or a playing field can be leveled, I want my child to be active in helping to level it.

    CONTENTMENT: The need for more is contagious. Therefore, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is an appreciation for being content with what they have… but not with whom they are.

    CURIOSITY: Teach your children to ask questions about who, what, where, how, why, and why not. “Stop asking so many questions” are words that should never leave a parents’ mouth.

    DETERMINATION: One of the greatest determining factors in one’s success is the size of their will. How can you help grow your child’s today?

    DISCIPLINE: Children need to learn everything from the ground-up including appropriate behaviors, how to get along with others, how to get results, and how to achieve their dreams. Discipline should not be avoided or withheld. Instead, it should be consistent and positive.

    ENCOURAGEMENT:  Words are powerful. They can create or they can destroy. The simple words that you choose to speak today can offer encouragement and positive thoughts to another child. Or your words can send them further into despair. So choose them carefully.

    FAITHFULNESS TO YOUR SPOUSE. Faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. Guard your sexuality daily and devote it entirely to your spouse. Your children will absolutely take notice.

    FINDING BEAUTY: Help your children find beauty in everything they see and in everyone they meet.

    GENEROSITY: Teach your children to be generous with your stuff so that they will become generous with theirs.

    HONESTY/INTEGRITY: Children who learn the value and importance of honesty at a young age have a far greater opportunity to become honest adults. And honest adults who deal truthfully with others tend to feel better about themselves, enjoy their lives more, and sleep better at night.

    HOPE: Hope is knowing and believing that things will get better and improve. It creates strength, endurance, and resolve. And in the desperately difficult times of life, it calls us to press onward.

    HUGS AND KISSES: I once heard the story of a man who told his 7-year old son that he had grown too old for kisses. I tear up every time I think of it. Know that your children are never too old to receive physical affirmation of your love for them.

    IMAGINATION. If we’ve learned anything over the past 20 years, it’s that life is changing faster and faster with every passing day. The world tomorrow looks nothing like the world today. And the people with imagination are the ones not just living it, they are creating it.

    INTENTIONALITY: I believe strongly in intentional living and intentional parenting. Slow down; consider who you are, where you are going, and how to get there. And do the same for each of your children.

    YOUR LAP: It’s the best place in the entire world for a book, story, or conversation. And it’s been right in front of you the whole time.

    LIFELONG LEARNING: A passion for learning is different from just studying to earn a grade or please teachers. It begins in the home. So read, ask questions, analyze, and expose. In other words, learn to love learning yourself.

     LOVE: but the greatest of these is love.

FACTS OF THE DAY

STUDENT HOLDS OWN FUNERAL WHILE STILL ALIVE SO SHE 'COULD ENJOY IT'

A Chinese student has stunned family and friends by holding her own funeral while she's alive to see 'what people think of her' and to 'enjoy it'. Zeng Jia paid for a full service along with flowers, photographers that was attended by mourners who walked past her while she was in a coffin.

 

The 22-year-old spent an hour lying in the casket with a Hello Kitty doll on her chest before getting up to join in at her own wake.

Zeng said: "It struck me that people spend all that time and effort on someone when they are gone and they cannot appreciate it.

Zeng, giving a speech at her wake said, "I wanted to see what people would think of me so I decided to hold my funeral while I could enjoy it."

She hired a team of cosmetic artists who specialise in making the dead look more lifelike to make her body look more convincing.

She added: "Experiencing death has made me appreciate life more keenly."

HOME REMEDIES FOR MENSTRUAL PAIN

he best way to treat menstrual problems would be to have parsley juice, in combination with any other juice. You can mix 75 ml of parsley with beet, carrot or cucumber juice, of the same quantity. Take a cup of water and add a piece of fresh ginger to it. Make sure to pound the ginger before you put it in the water. Boil the water for a few minutes and then, strain it. Mix a little sugar to the decoction and consume it, after it cools down a bit. Repeat this three times in a day. Sesame seeds prove to be beneficial in case of menstrual problems. Take half a tsp of powdered sesame seeds, with a glass of warm water, two times a day. Consumption of unripe papaya is beneficial for securing a proper menstrual flow. It is also good for girls whose menses have ceased due to stress or tension. Prepare a bath by immersing an entire Chickpea plant in hot water. This is helpful when there is immense pain during menstruation. The herb of Marigold is helpful in reducing the pain during menstruation and also increasing the flow. It is advisable to have a tablespoon of this, two times a day. For women who face the problem of excessive menstruation, banana flower would provide an effective remedy. Boil a banana flower in some water, until it turns soft. Take it out, crush it and have it with a cup of curd. In half liter of water, put 6 grams of coriander seeds and boil it until only half the quantity remains. Sweeten the decoction, with sugar or honey, and have it when warm. Extract the juice of fresh mango bark. Mix 10 ml of the juice with 120 ml of water. Have this mixture in a dose of 1 or 2 tsp, every one hour. You can also consume the juice of fresh mango bark, after adding an egg white or some mucilage and a small quantity of the kernel of a poppy, to it. Boil 90 gm of the bark of Ashoka tree, in 30 ml of milk and 360 ml of water. Keep on boiling until the total quantity is reduced to about 90 ml. Drink this in 2 or 3 doses. Start consuming this decoction from the fourth day of the monthly period, until the bleeding is checked. Consume thirteen to twenty-five grams of the Indian barbery herb, during excessive bleeding. Prepare an infusion of the herb 'rough chaff' by steeping 15 gm of it, in 250 ml of boiling water. Strain the mixture and drink when warm. Boil two tablespoons of hermal seeds in half a liter of water. Once the decoction is reduced to 1/3rd its quantity, stop boiling. Strain it and let it cool down a bit. Have it in a dose of 15 to 30 ml, per day. Take half a liter of water and boil it with five large heads of hemps, until it reduces to one-half. Strain the decoction, cool it down and have it before going to bed.